Saturday, February 14, 2009

i want my chest pressed to your chest

In the past, Valentine's Day was little more than a mild irritation to me. It was a day where people (or just I) a) obsessively planned out ornate lovey scenarios with their significant others, which almost invariably failed to live up to expectations, or b) bitched about being single and how mean and terrible it was to have a holiday about love, gooshy love. Irritating, in other words.
Since becoming a florist of sorts, the holiday has of course taken on whole new levels. This is our Christmas, New Years, and Fourth of July all at once, our busiest day of the year. (Or at least it should be--the whole economic crisis thing is making us all a little nervous for today, actually.) The funny thing about Valentine's Day is that the flowers look shittier now than any other time, because of the ridiculous demand which requires that growers pick them long before they normally would and attempt to preserve them until the Big Day. My co-worker has told me that some of our flowers are probably weeks old. And unfortunately, prices always jump now as well. Summary: you are paying more for shittier flowers. Wait a week and buy someone a nice bouquet.
Last Valentine's Day was memorably terrible for me. My relationship was slowly sinking, but I was sincerely hoping after a long long week of prepping flowers to have a nice evening at home with my lady. Instead I returned home, exhausted, to find an empty house and a bathtub full of dirty dishes. Our sink had been broken for at least a week at that point, and so we (mostly me) had been killing our knees doing dishes in our increasingly disgusting bathtub. When I saw those dishes, something snapped in me and I became angrier than I can ever remember being before, maybe angrier than I have in fact ever been before. I don't anger particularly easily. I frightened myself. I'd never had a straw actually break my camel's back before, and it was a terrifyingly out-of-control feeling. The evening miraculously ended decently, but what I remember was that shaking screaming pure rage.
I've already done my dishes this morning. The week hasn't been as hard, and I'm in a better place emotionally and heart-wise than I have been in a long time. My plans tonight: to make a lemon meringue pie. That's all. I think I can handle it. I'm hoping for a better evening.


Lauren said...

happy valentine's day! how did the meringue turn out?

ammie said...

It was AWESOME! I felt like I must be unbelievably awesome to produce a lemon meringue pie, which I know is a little silly. But it's always seemed like a less-accessible pie to me, and it turned out really well. And I spent my day making pretty flowers for people's partners, and it was just lovely all around. I'm all gushy!

cassalyn said...

thanks for sharing this. i once had a less angry more sad/upset moment sneak up on me. that was a good description because in having a reaction that was bigger than i expected or really thought was in me, i felt out of control. it was just a lot of crying (i cry all the time, but i usually see it coming and understand why). in my head i knew it was disproportionate, but couldn't reign myself back in. kept thinking this isn't me. i felt much better afterward.