Saturday, July 04, 2009

independence

I'm not much of a patriot in the traditional sense of the word, but I'm a strong believer in independence. I believe in strength and freedom and self-love and beauty, in self-actualization and figuring out how to be whole instead of fragmented. In an ideal world, I'd be able to apply all of these hopes and dreams to the country as a whole, but for now I take my independence in the forms I can get it and those are generally personal.

I was at work a few days ago, very near to closing time after a long tiring seven hours, and a regular customer walked in. I went to greet her; she's a very sweet person, always has a smile for me, but she also usually takes forever to pick something out so I was both happy and full of dread when I saw her. Sad but true: no matter how nice you are, sometimes I wish you'd just pick a flower out already and call it a day. She was getting three flowers for her girlfriend; I believe it was their anniversary. (Another rant: my gay male co-worker gets hit on constantly and I almost never do. The queer men flirt, the queer ladies buy flowers for their girlfriends. Frustrating.) My co-worker and I helped her pick out her blooms, wrapped them in paper, and walked back towards the door with her as we chatted.

Suddenly she turned around and, with a preface I can't recall, told us that she had just come out to her mother. I realized suddenly that she was practically glowing, so happy and excited and relieved that she was finally no longer living with the threat of this moment of self-actualization that the vast majority of queer people go through eventually. She had told her mother, and her mother had been gracious and happy for her, and so we rejoiced with her. My co-worker told his story (his mother broke out in hives) and I did not because I wasn't asked. (I don't code as gay, it seems; I've been asked such an unimaginable number of times if I am queer, which is a source of irritation. Perhaps I need to shave my head and get a tattoo? No? Ah well.) But we celebrated with her for a minute or two, this stranger who had just revealed a deeply personal moment to us standing in the door of the shop.

My own coming out was both less and more dramatic than I had anticipated. I was twenty-three, and it was the day before I moved to Chicago for grad school. My girlfriend and I had been dating for about eight months at that point, but I had been chickening out of telling my parents; my mom grew up Mormon and is also prone to random bouts of freak-out-edness when I least expect it, so I wasn't sure what kind of reaction she would have. But on this day, the day before I left, we were standing in the kitchen crying and yelling at each other for some reason that I can't remember in the slightest now when she suddenly turned to me and said "Your friend A is really nice." It was such a complete non-sequitor that it stopped me in my tracks and left me with no idea how to respond. I stopped crying, and after a moment said that she was not my friend, she was my girlfriend, and my mother looked at me scornfully to let me know that of course she knew that. We hugged, and the fight wound down into a rare moment of intimacy between us.

The next day, I moved to Chicago. I told my father immediately before getting out of the car at the airport (because how awkward would a two-hour car ride be after a revelation like that?) and he told me he just wanted me to be happy. I flew away on wings, relieved that things had gone as relatively well as they had, and we rarely spoke of it until a much more traumatic fight a few years later. But that plane ride, heading towards a new place and a new life where I could start over and be who I really was, felt like freedom.

5 comments:

pulley-whipped said...

if only coming out were a singular moment that we had to do once and be done with it, instead of having to do it over and over again. i like to think of it as a revolving closet.

i don't remember that part about your mom, but i guess my memory is pretty faulty these days.

ammie said...

if only, indeed. But some comings-out are certainly more intimidating than others!
It's much easier to remember things that happened to you personally, but even then half the time I know I'm making things up. Ah well. Absolute truth, my ass.

erica said...

what a brilliant take on the whole "independence day" theme...thanks!

Mugsie said...

Aww! Your mom sounds sweet! I came out to my mom mid-fight too. :P (And that also went well)
High-five on continually not being read as queer and having to re-out yourself! And by "high-five," I mean, 'at least it's good to have friends in the revolving closet (good phrase). We can chase each other and play tag!
Please don't buzz your hair! It's pretty!

ammie said...

high five! Also, tag!
My mom is sweet and also sort of neurotic, but I still love her. And my hair is staying long-ish for now, I've grown rather fond of it :)