Wednesday, October 08, 2008

my heart beats an SOS

Last night I made an Angst mix on my computer. I didn't do this because I'm actually feeling particularly angsty, and if I did I might not even listen to this mix; I'm more likely to go for angry stuff when I'm upset. But lately I've been noticing a change in my musical tastes, and this reflects that change.
I barely listened to music for several years, which is odd because before (and since) that period I've been fairly well obsessed with many artists, songs, genres, etc. I don't know what happened. In Arizona, I was driving almost eight hours every other week for lessons, during which time I was free to listen to the same cd repeatedly if I so desired. Even after I moved here, I'd listen to certain things over and over. (Neutral Milk Hotel, anybody? How about a little Tegan and Sara?) And then I stopped. But lately, I've finally discovered what everybody else did years ago: computer playlists. Since then, I've been ripping all of my old cd's onto my computer and listening to randomized playlists (handy for exposing myself to new stuff) or personally crafted ones when I get tired of skipping songs I don't care for.
The Angst list is mostly slow songs, sad songs. I have a newfound appreciation for slow songs, something that did not necessarily so much play a large part in my music library in the past. But now, give me a nice slow PJ Harvey or Cat Power (a new addition to my collection; as always, I'm years behind) and I feel a beautiful melancholy steal over me. It's not sadness, exactly. But it can be so enjoyable to wallow in feeling, to let yourself slip into the spell of somebody else's powerful emotion, their sorrow and pain and desire and slow-burning anger. It feels decadent, voluptuous, like eating an ice cream sundae or lying in a hugely comfortable bed, except with angst. They're saying the things I've felt, and it makes my heart beat a little faster.

1 comment:

Rosiecat said...

I get a similar feeling when I listen to sad, angsty songs! Sometimes I just like to feel sad or quiet and alone. It makes me feel more alive, like I'm more connected with the joy and sorrow that is life. You describe this feeling with lovely words--bravo.