all is well

I'm kitten-sitting this week, and I spend a lot of time just watching this small cat run in circles around my small apartment. It's amazing (and entertaining) how much energy she has. Comparitively, my cat looks like a grumpy old man.

But that wasn't actually my purpose for this, just an aside. I've been wanting to write about this and had been putting off, partially because I had no conclusive results until today and partially because I was somehow nervous. A few weeks ago, I went in for a pap smear (exciting as always) and they found a lump in my breast and swollen lymph nodes on both sides. I had to make an appointment for an ultrasound a week and a half later (this past Tuesday), and then I had to wait until today for the results. Which were negative, so I don't have cancer or anything else that they could tell me, which is a huge relief.
It's just so odd to think that you might actually have something hugely wrong with you. I've always been pretty healthy, I hardly ever even get colds and the only time I've ever been in an emergency room for myself was in high school when I got an eye infection from using someone else's contact lens case. But as soon as she said "breast lump" I automatically started making plans. Who would I call first? How would I pay for chemo or surgery? Who should I talk to now, and what should I say? Could I actually have cancer? I'm only twenty-six, for god's sake. Why hadn't I been getting check-ups or doing my self-exams? I've heard that queer women tend to go to the doctor less, especially for gyno stuff, partially because we don't need birth control and pregnancy doesn't happen accidentally. Why did I follow that trend?
Anyway, it all ended up being fine, but I do have a renewed desire to actually take care of myself, phase out bad habits and eat better and excercise. When I was debating what to do if I was ill, I spent some time doing the agnostic's version of prayer; I wasn't trying to talk to anybody or anything really except blind fate, but I told myself things like I would do yoga every day and try not to throw away food if I could just not have cancer. I would pet my cat more. I would not gossip and I would swear less. Will I do these things? Some of them, hopefully. The important ones.