Thursday, December 24, 2009

there will be singing and dancing

The year is ending, and I'm exhausted. And moody. And sort of down. It irritates me to no end because I know that I have an incredible amount to be rejoicing over right now, at this end of one of the most positively transforming years of my life, and instead of feeling celebratory I'm feeling irritable and worn out and really I'd rather just go back to bed and sleep through something important. I'm not feeling poetic or inspired and words have not been coming easily to me lately, although I wish they would because there's a lot to say. That voicelessness in the face of so much life is incredibly frustrating, even as I know that if I just take a deep breath and wait I'll be able to say at least one or two of the things that I'm hovering on the verge of eventually.

But for now all I can do is soldier on through, go to work and sell unnecessary stuff to strangers, drink as much tea as I can, get on a bus tonight and keep breathing until I'm in the arms of chosen family, try to keep my feet dry and hope that this tickle in the back of my throat isn't the harbinger of something worse to come. I'll be back to joy soon, because really my life is ecstatic in a quiet sort of way and that's not something I can contain for very long, but until then I'll settle for low-key happy and visions of better things to come. I believe that life will improve, not just in the context of this momentary slump--which is probably mostly due to hormones and having a sales job during the holidays--but as a whole, and the idea that I could be even happier in the future than I have been recently is enough to keep me going through any downswing. There is so much potential for joy, and that trumps any sore-throated, capitalist-influenced, holiday-inspired lack-of-sleep low. So screw you, bad mood; I'm looking past you to better things.

4 comments:

ammie said...

And... Feeling better. Funny what spending a holiday with loved ones will do for your mood. I'll write something more in the spirit of how I actually feel about life before the new year. But much love to you all, even the strangers, and have a happy holiday!

erica said...

you too! glad you're feeling more uplifted, and have a wonderful christmas!

Lauren said...

Yay Ammie!! :hugs: Merry Christmas and can't wait to see you

Chrystal said...

I'm looking forward to hearing what it is that is causing so much joy in your life!