Monday, April 06, 2009

the shining black stars that circle my heart

So.
Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I've ever done: I broke up with somebody. With Shana. There were a number of reasons for it: massive communication issues that kept building up on themselves, some differences in needs that seemed fundamental and incompatible, a fair amount of sadness and anxiety as we approached the three-month mark. The final straw was an action (far too personal for an online forum) that made my trust falter and then crack in two, and I suddenly realized that I just couldn't continue. It was nobody's fault, really. Sometimes things just stop working.
I've never been the breaker-upper before. It is a terrible feeling, to make somebody else so sad and angry. I think it will be a while before I attempt to date again. But today, in the aftermath, I can breathe for the first time in four days and I know that I made the right decision, no matter how painful. I appreciate the time we had together, and I wish that we could have enjoyed each other's company for much longer, but we couldn't. I couldn't. So it goes.

5 comments:

Alicia Dabney said...

I'm so sorry. I have only been the breaker-upper once in my life as well, and it fucking sucks. It's good to hang onto that feeling that you made the right decision.

*hug*

ammie said...

Sigh... Thank you. I'm hanging on as much as I can, which is really all you can do. Luckily I have lots of people telling me that I'm not a horrible person, otherwise this would be much more difficult.
Also, I hope I get to see you in person sometime to cash in on that hug! I'm hoping to make a SF trip sometime next year.

Alicia Dabney said...

I am glad to hear that you have some support to tell you you're not a horrible person. You're not. Hold tight; it will get easier.

You are always welcome to crash with us if you're ever in the SF area! We have a futon that we keep around just for such purposes. =)

Also, if you ever feel like making a Utah trip, we are in Fillmore for July 4th nine times out of ten.

Lauren said...

:hugs: I'm sorry about that. You are strong.

Louise Tripp said...

I'm sorry to hear that. I can only imagine having to do that - I've never actually been the breaker-upper either, but I also haven't had a whole lot of real relationship experience. Maybe you'll at least be friends somewhere down the road and for now, you are stronger and wiser for the experience.