Monday, April 06, 2009

the shining black stars that circle my heart

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I've ever done: I broke up with somebody. With Shana. There were a number of reasons for it: massive communication issues that kept building up on themselves, some differences in needs that seemed fundamental and incompatible, a fair amount of sadness and anxiety as we approached the three-month mark. The final straw was an action (far too personal for an online forum) that made my trust falter and then crack in two, and I suddenly realized that I just couldn't continue. It was nobody's fault, really. Sometimes things just stop working.
I've never been the breaker-upper before. It is a terrible feeling, to make somebody else so sad and angry. I think it will be a while before I attempt to date again. But today, in the aftermath, I can breathe for the first time in four days and I know that I made the right decision, no matter how painful. I appreciate the time we had together, and I wish that we could have enjoyed each other's company for much longer, but we couldn't. I couldn't. So it goes.


Alicia Dabney said...

I'm so sorry. I have only been the breaker-upper once in my life as well, and it fucking sucks. It's good to hang onto that feeling that you made the right decision.


ammie said...

Sigh... Thank you. I'm hanging on as much as I can, which is really all you can do. Luckily I have lots of people telling me that I'm not a horrible person, otherwise this would be much more difficult.
Also, I hope I get to see you in person sometime to cash in on that hug! I'm hoping to make a SF trip sometime next year.

Alicia Dabney said...

I am glad to hear that you have some support to tell you you're not a horrible person. You're not. Hold tight; it will get easier.

You are always welcome to crash with us if you're ever in the SF area! We have a futon that we keep around just for such purposes. =)

Also, if you ever feel like making a Utah trip, we are in Fillmore for July 4th nine times out of ten.

Lauren said...

:hugs: I'm sorry about that. You are strong.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear that. I can only imagine having to do that - I've never actually been the breaker-upper either, but I also haven't had a whole lot of real relationship experience. Maybe you'll at least be friends somewhere down the road and for now, you are stronger and wiser for the experience.